A Long Time in Waiting....

Hey all,
So sorry to be away for so long. The end of school is about the craziest thing I could ever describe. However, now I am a college graduate :) It was such a wonderful day. Glenn Beck spoke for commencement and outside of the fact it was SOOOOO HOT outside, everything was amazing. It honestly feels weird that my years as a student at LU are done. So many things, good and bad, happened there and the more I think about it, the more I'm going to miss it. Don't get me wrong, I'm so excited to be going to VT in the fall and moving and the such. But I also know it won't be anything like I'm used to and sometimes the thought of it is a little overwhelming. Thank you to my boyfriend Danny, my good friend Bill, my family and everyone else who made May 15, 2010 so much fun.

Let me forewarn you now, I am in an emotional mood. I sit and look at my life...well more like I think about it and reflect and pray and the such and the one thing that keeps penetrating my thoughts is where things are going. I'm much the person to look forward to things. It's not that I don't/can't live in the here and now but especially when things are rough I very much chose to look at what is to come and how I hope things will be different/easier...its just how i deal with being overwhelmed...i look forward to it being over haha. What am I referring to? Well among a myriad of things that would fit here, probably the most dominating one, for girls at least, is the person who they will ultimately end up marrying. I know you see it everyday, as soon as you graduate 60% of your friends get married in the summer immediately after graduation. I'm sorry boys, but it puts us girls in a "thinking mood." That isn't a bad thing to look at our relationships and wonder where they are headed, so please don't get frustrated with us trying to talk to you about it. I think at the end of the day there are a few key things that men would do well in remembering and enacting in their own lives. It is not that girls have it all figured out and I'm sure you guys could offer your own input here, but after all, I am the one writing this, though I welcome the feedback :) Girls we can learn a thing or two here as well:

1. Know yourself: I think one the key things in a relationship is for each person to know themselves and the values, goals and dreams they want in life. This allows both party's to evaluate one another to see if those things match up. So many times you hear of one person or the other say "I gave up this for him/her" or "I always wanted to do that but" and I think it drives a lot of people (esp you men) into resentment. That is not to say compromise is always bad, in fact it is very necessary in relationships. But the only way to do this correctly is to have a deep, meaningful relationship with God. Let's put it this way, the closer you get to God, the more you will learn about yourself and the closer you will get to the person you proclaim to love.

2. It is not enough just to say I love you: Now before you all hate me, please listen to why this is. Actions speak louder than words. How many times do you see relationships that the woman sticks around b/c her man (every time he does something seriously wrong) says, "I love you." OK guys, yes by now you know girls are VERY emotional. We tie EVERYTHING up in them...literally. When we are down we think about bad things, when we are up we think about good things. But here is the thing, we are very vulnerable to those three small but powerful words. I challenge you men to find new ways of saying I love you to your sweetheart. If she really means something to you, this shouldn't be very hard to do. You know why? Because when guys put their mind to something, THEY DO IT. Yes, this is a very interesting observation that I have learned. You should WANT to do this forever. I'm not saying every second of everyday has to be dripping with sugar sweetness but you should do something often enough that your girl won't have to question your intentions. It honestly isn't that hard to please us. I know in this day an age you guys may think it is, but in reality it is the small little things that mean the most to us girls.

3. We don't want to be in control: Now this one may be a little shocking but no, we don't want to control the relationship. In fact it is quite the opposite; we want YOU as the man to take control. That mean if you want to see us, YOU make the plans. A curious thing happens when this isn't the current state of the relationship (meaning the guy isn't calling the shots): girls tend to "find a way to make it work." This usually leads to the girl feeling used and unwanted/unappreciated. Guys, I don't think many of you get it...we just want to be with YOU. We wouldn't be with you if we weren't already into you. All you guys that have a girl should want to be with them as often as you can manage. Not sit around and wait for them to call/text you! This isn't to say the us girls can't make the plans sometimes. I like to be spontaneous and plan things...but it is a whole other story when you get in the position that you are always planning and not letting your man pursue you. ALL of you guys should make it a point to go to church. And it saddens me to no end that guys all over the country and even at LU, do not feel the need to go to church. I don't care whether you don't like the preaching style or the songs or whatever you don't like...if you don't have the means to go find the perfect church for you, just GO TO ONE!!! If you are there for a certain thing or certain person or certain style...YOU ARE THERE FOR THE WRONG REASON! The point of church is to give of your time to God, and to ask Him to speak to you in WHATEVER way He wants to. It isn't about going to have a social call, but it is to worship God. I look forward to Sundays...b/c I know I'm going to get re-fueled. Yes, I've been bombarded with church church church at LU but that has NOT made me want to forsake going to church b/c I "got church all through the week." Take a stand men, God will reward it.

4. That's just it; we girls want to be pursued: OK guys here is the secret to girls...ahem...are you ready for this?...we just want to feel wanted. We want to feel like we are important enough to someone that we literally are the world to them. Not that we should be "god" to them or take the place of God with a person but guys I guarantee that if you were to put your girl up on a pedestal, put her first in your life (outside of God), and think of her before yourselves, then I promise the respect that you long for and the unconditional love that comes with a girls respect WILL BE YOURS. I'm sorry to you guys who think this is only for the initial dating phase....nope it is and will be a life long job. But I stand by my promise and I do challenge you ALL to try it. If you do this, it will make it so much easier for your girl to make you first in her life. You will find she is less likely to question your love or your actions if you do put her first. She WANTS to respect you, she WANTS you to lead, she WANTS you to WANT her...more than anything...and she wants to KNOW it...often!...not guess or assume it. We want to feel included in your life...with your friends and your jokes and your enjoyments. Most guys think girls would enjoy a night if video games or poker or whatever and that is quite the opposite. Yes, we know you enjoy your "guy time," but it should NEVER be at the expense of excluding or ignoring your girl.

5. It's not about you anymore: So this is an area that I think girls and guys struggle in. But I think it is harder for men to grasp it. Once you are in a relationship and you want it to go somewhere (hopefully culminating in marriage) it isn't about you anymore...it is about us. Even if you know you aren't ready yet or have awhile to wait before you make the long time commitments, the only way you can know if and when you are ready is if you are thinking as a couple. If you talk about plans and dreams and put the OTHER ONE first. No longer can you just go "out with friends" and not tell anyone, or just sit around like a bump on a log. It is more than just one person. After long days at work, you will come home and want to take comfort and solace in your spouse...and if you don't start making time for that now, it WILL never happen. But YOU have to WANT to do this...we can't make you. We here from our mothers all the time that "men don't change, so don't expect them to." Though there is a ton of truth in that, you men can make a decision to change something just as well as we girls can. That doesn't change who YOU are as a person but it changes how you have relationships with other people. Nobody can make you do this...but I would hope that I or the girl in YOUR life would be reason enough to make you want to be the best you can be.

6. Look for good and godly examples of relationships that work: I know and you know that even though we would like to think we know it all, WE DON'T! We are human and learning is part of the human experience. Love and relationships are one of the hardest areas to learn the right thing b/c many people love in different ways or feel loved in different ways. I keep thinking back to the android on Star Trek: The Next Generation, Data, he wanted to be a 'real' person but he didn't have emotions and he didn't know what it was to feel or give love. He knew what it was, but couldn't do it himself....until I think one of the last episodes and then I think he did or something random like that :) Its been awhile since I've seen them :) ANYWHO, God did give us parents and the ability to see their relationship and others relationship and hopefully to learn from them. Guys, it is OK to realize that you don't have it all together. And I know I don't either. I know I would never purposefully make a person feel like less of a man b/c he didn't have all the answers. In fact, I would take it as a mark of maturity...for a person to realize he needs godly wisdom and seeks it from those he admires.

7. We want to know what it means to you when you tell us you love us: I don't know how to say it better. I want you to look me in the eye and through those 3 little words, tell me why you love me. I want it to speak so loudly though your everything that I feel like you can't wait to shout if from the mountain top. We girls want to know that you guys are absolutely smashingly IN LOVE and crazy about us. Trust me, we girls are Crazy in love with you guys! We want you to show us AND tell us how much you love us!

8. At the end of the day: we need you to communicate with us. Whatever the day was like, but specifics about the day. What you are planning (IN ADVANCE, not the night before) and how you are feeling. We know you don't like your "emotional side" very much but we do know you have feelings. If you want to connect with us girls...you will at least attempt to share these feelings with us. It isn't going to be perfect and that is ok. We girls don't have the perfect communication thing going either. But effort is the thing that matters the most. We want to feel like we aren't putting the majority into a relationship and getting very minimal out. At the end of the day we need you guys to know that you are the most important person in our lives and we literally would do anything for YOU. Don't use that against us please!

9. We want to feel secure: that 50-70 years from now you will still be a crazy for us as you are now. And that it won't fade for nothing no matter how crappy life gets or what you go through individually or as a couple.

10. We don't want to wait forever: guys, you can't just sit around and not grow up! We girls don't want to be used and taken for granted while you try to figure it out. We don't expect everything to work out overnight and have everything be perfect. It takes work...hard work and you have to be willing to put it in. We want and need a 'help mate.' Not someone who doesn't get the picture and does not want to grow up and make a life for himself (and hopefully your girl). This doesn't mean that girls have license to be hateful or belittling, but guys if we try to talk about things that we see that need to change, don't get mad like we are attacking you, please listen to what we are saying and look to see if any of it has merit. If it does, just do it or try to change it, if it doesn't discuss it with your girl. Explain why you do things a certain way or how you perceive things or something to that effect. I promise if you come to us or let us talk to you about stuff you WILL GAIN A BEST FRIEND and a confidant that will LIFT YOU UP always. She will feel honored that you talk to her and confide in her and in turn will do EVERYTHING in her power (and guys we girls have superpowers sometimes ;) ) to make you feel like the ONLY MAN on earth.

11. We just want you! Sometimes this is the biggest reason why we just forget this list and go ahead without making sure a guy treats us like this is because we love you so much. The emotional connection that is at the core of every girl drives this...it drives us to be loyal (well i know it drives me haha)...and it drives us to want to be with you always, and as often as possible...we don't want to beg for attention...you should want to give it freely.

These are the things I am looking for in a guy...it takes work...that I know. And I will not say "yes" to a guys proposal until I know he will do these things before marriage. I am NOT perfect and it is mostly b/c I am not perfect that I need a guy that is and will do the things above. It is conversely the same for girls...you guys look for things in a girl b/c whether you recognize it or not, you need it to complement yourself. That is why we have these kind of relationships. So guys...please don't take this as me dissing you, my intent is to let you know the things that matter the most to us girls. It isn't your looks or your charm per say or your gifts (though all of those are a plus ;) ) but it is how you treat us every minute of everyday from the time you meet us till the day you decide you want to marry us, till the day that death parts us or the Lord returns. Girls take notice here that you deserve nothing short of the above and it honestly is NOT too much to ask if a guy is going to be a good husband. But at the same time girls, be gentle with your men...esp. in the respect area. Make sure if you talk to them, you try to do it in a way that is non "threatening" and comfortable so your man will want to open up more. We ALL need help! And its ok...b/c even if we do all of this, the only thing that will make a relationship meaningful to the fullest, is if God is in the center of it.

Well I think I've talked your ears off tonight...thanks for listening and God bless...I'll be back soon!
~Dr. Jess M.D. :)